A mate went on a date in Canada with some Canadian girls. It didn't go well, so bad in fact they sent him a four page email. Here it is in its semi-glory:
From: "xxxx xxxxx"
Date: June 19, 2009 7:26:19 PM EDT
To: xxxx@xxxxxx.ca
Subject: "Required Explanation"
Glenn,
In response to your 3:30 Saturday morning phone call, “requiring an explanation” for leaving earlier than you had expected, please accept this email.
Sorry about the delay but we just couldn’t find time to sit down together and gather our fond memories of a lovely Friday night out.
Honestly though, wasn’t the truth explanation enough? We were not enjoying ourselves and you didn’t seem to be having a good time either, so we said goodbye and left. That was the honest explanation. If you’re looking for detail as to why we think the night went sour, we’ll give you a play-by-play of our experience.
Tuesday night, Reservoir Lounge: We meet you and Gareth and share some great conversation and enjoy your company. We agree to meet up in the near future. We were excited to see the both you again and we got the same vibe from you. We set a date, Friday night. The two of us planned a night that we thought would be fun, something a little different.
Here we go….
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You call us to invite us to come over for dinks. “Come over, bring some drinks” you said. A little weird and a little “student-like” but no big deal, we had already packed a few beers and some yogurt for the two of you.
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We arrived just past 8pm, and woke you up from your nap. We can’t quite remember the last time that we invited guests over and fell asleep prior to their arrival… Weird again, but, whatever.
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Getting any conversation out of you was like pulling teeth, but, again. Whatever. I guess that there was a good reason for that, after all, baseball was on….
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You had the music blaring so loud that we couldn’t talk, even if you had something to say….
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You asked us if we had any preference in music and after Dina replied, “do you have any Jack Johnson?” you answered, “Yes, but I don’t feel like listening to that”. So again, whatever. Jazz tried to play some music and you went over to the computer and changed it… rude, but, whatever.
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Neither of you had even showered before we arrived, we had to wait for that…Unbelievable! That was a first for the both of us.
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We’re also not quite sure how you weren’t even remotely embarrassed to invite girls to your place when it was a disaster… but obviously you really didn’t care… that wasn’t the worst part…Glenn, no girl is going to give a shit about your accent the minute she steps foot in your disgusting bedroom. Trust us!
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The both of you got dressed. You walked out in a tee shirt that looked like it was chewed up by a cow and you had the nerve to attempt to make fun of Gareth who looked great in the shirt that he was wearing. What’s there to be said about a guy who is constantly trying to make his friend look stupid? This is after all what you did the entire evening. Using your nice and attractive friends as crutches to your own insecurity is pretty low but that’s something that’s really none of our business anyways…
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We finally left and headed over to Yuk Yuks where at one point you pulled a “Farmer Joe” right in front of us. Were you raised on a farm? Milked cows? Fed chickens? If you’re unfamiliar with that term, well, it’s time you familiarize yourself with it since it describes the action of blowing snot from your nose by plugging one nostril while shooting out from the other, right onto the street. Serious turn-off. Note that.
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Our time at the comedy club was fine. We didn’t have to chat much with you so it was easy… (Gareth, please keep in mind that most of this is directed towards Glenn.). It would have been nice though, to get a thank you for paying for your entrance fee, even if you didn’t enjoy yourselves... We thought it would be a nice gesture since we did plan it but didn’t think you would be unappreciative.
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Upon leaving Yuk Yuks, you ran into the street like a maniac on a mission to find some club that you wanted to go to, never asking anyone else if they were interested. It would have been really nice if you took the grown-up mature approach by asking if we had anything in mind for the evening. We had actually planned the next part of the evening but it was no time to introduce our idea, besides, we were hoping that the night would end earlier than initially expected.
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On the cab ride to your “favourite” bar, once again, you tried to make your friend look like an idiot when he stated that he wasn’t interested in going to the Underground. He was right about it not being the right atmosphere for the evening but you Glenn, couldn’t have given the slightest shit as to what anyone else wanted. Oh, and p.s, it would have been a kind and mature gesture to offer to pay the measly $2 cover charge, since it was your decision to go there. But trust us, at that point, nothing could shock.
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We enter the bar, which was kind of cool but not even the close to being conducive to any type of conversation. Maybe that’s the precise reason you enjoy that place?
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Jazz at one point asked you what was wrong and why you seemed miserable. You admitted that you had some attitude adjustments to make and you continued to sit like a bump on a log… Think about making those adjustments sooner than later!
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We didn’t want to waste another minute of yours or ours, so Jazz explained that we were bored and a little tired. We said goodbye. You did seem a little shocked at that point but only God knows why?
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When we arrived to Jazz’s car, Dina wrote a note to Gareth, inviting him to contact her again if he wished. Gareth was a gentlemen and would have done things a lot differently had you not been such an influence. Gareth, please don’t go on anymore double dates with Glenn, you have a way better chance of scoring without him around.
Basically that’s really it. We could have had a good time if you weren’t too busy being socially inept. Honestly, you’re so clueless that it’s scary….
It’s not a big deal really, it was just a bit of a waste of our time. Since we value our time so much, it just sucks to spend it in misery.
Looking back, we can understand your admiration of baseball. Our opinion of how boring baseball is, did in some way, foreshadow the evening’s progression and ultimately the abrupt ending. Looking back once again, we would have rather slit our wrists with a rusty butter knife than spend another minute with you darling Glen!
Not to sound rude or anything but you did demand a “required explanation” and we hope that this time it was clear.
We should say, on a more positive note, that your 3:30 am phone call was the most mature thing you did all night. We didn’t mean to upset you when we left, we just wanted to do everyone a favour. Judging by your phone call, we obviously didn’t do much of a favour for you but hopefully you have at least learned something from this. We wish you all the best of luck on your future dates and please look at all the above points as good advice and not a malicious attack.
For further advice, please don’t hesitate to contact us. Your bill is in the mail!
All the best!
Your “Dating101” Instructors,
Jazz & Dee
Ps: Are you sure you’re 26? Cuz if you’re 17 or younger, all above advice does not apply.
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